Wading Back In

It's been a LONG time since I've been here on my blogsite, almost a year in fact, so I'm going to wade in slowly so as not to shock my system. A diagnosis of breast cancer after my last post in July of '08 knocked me for a loop. I've learned so much about myself, mostly the fact that I have so much to learn about myself! One of my inner voices now frequently chants "walk, don't run". Wise advice from a good friend. That same voice is now sheepishly chanting "sleep, don't blog" so I guess my feet are wet enough for now.

Oh, Waiter, as in someone around here with some PATIENCE!

Well, hhhmmm, stepping back to analyze my lack of recent entries, I would have to surmise that:

blogging from this crappy laptop on a nightly basis from the middle of wireless he-- has proven to be more of a challenge than I (my lazy self) anticipated. May I have some cheese to go with this wwhhiinnee?! Basically, I just can't tolerate the keyboard, and the multiple disconnections. Another refill to the top of my whine glass, please!

Don't read me wrong - I have so TOTALLY appreciated this time away from reality (I return to my real home in the central mountains of Laundry, ID, on Friday). I have had a lot of solitude, stretched out in 60 second intervals between daughter/son/daughter/dog/daughter/son/husband/those highly annoying dishes that magically redirty themselves/daughter/dog interruptions. Please tell me that you other blogger moms out there can appreciate a STRONG desire for just 30 MEASLY MINUTES in a row??!!

You'll have to forgive my complete lack of patience - this has to do with my perfectionistic tendencies. One would never in a million light years guess that I am a perfectionist, especially if one were to judge my house-keeping abilities, or the blatantly obvious lack of. I am the all-or-nothing type of perfectionist, which means I spend an exorbitant amount of time doing, you guessed it, nothing. You know, if you can't do it 'right', why bother?

Perfectionism is just really fear in disguise (a real ugly, ill-fitting one, I might add). Fear of judgement, criticism, failure, etc., etc., etc. Mostly, the fear of not being good enough. So, if we are constantly trying to use the tape measure of the Martha Stewart mentality, the Supermom Syndrome, do you think we always measure up? We cannot airbrush away our imperfections, so we should try a little harder to embrace them.

Yes, you read me correctly; I said, embrace your imperfections, which means loving yourself in spite of them. I may be getting a wee bit of inspiration from Keira Knightly (recently refusing to bump up her cup size in publicity photos). However, I have let my all-or-nothing attitude keep almost 50 extra pounds on my frame since I had our first child, which has now been over 12 years ago, so I think my excuse meter has expired!! I have let my perfectionism get in the way of some much needed healthy weight loss (waiting for the ideal conditions to start the perfect exercise program backed up with the perfect diet), and I have to hope that I haven't realized the error in my thinking too late.

The older I get, the more I realize how little I know, which has been good kindling for this whole blog idea. As many mistakes as I've made it my life thus far, I should have a roaring inferno blazing here in no time.

Whoever Dreamed Up Webkinz Must Be Smiling In Their Sleep

I had to laugh at my daughter tonight (well, from my obviously biased position, she is always saying something adorable; that is, when she is not always saying something argumentative). Chatter-boxing her way right past her bedtime during her usual attempt to stay up later, she launches into a lengthy commentary describing all the new Webkinz creatures coming out next month (if you're not a parent of a seven-ish year-old child, you don't even want to know - they are like Beanie Babies meets Neopets meets the last remains of your piggy bank).

Then she says to me, "I'm mad at myself." And I say, "Why is that?" And she says, "because I haven't been having any dreams lately." This conversation catapulted me back to a memory retold to me by my sister of when I was about five years old. My sister told me she came down the stairs one morning and I was sitting under the kitchen table talking to myself, so of course she had to listen in without making her presence known.

I said to myself/the other me, "Did you have any dreams last night?" And the other me replied, "No, I didn't." I again said, "Are you sure you didn't have any dreams last night?" And the other me retorted, "I already told you, I'M SURE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY DREAMS LAST NIGHT!" Evidently this developed into quite a heated argument, until my sister could no longer contain her volcano of laughter.

She teased me relentlessly for years, one of her many obligatory duties as a big sister.

I've thought often about this funny story, and the importance of dreams, both the subconscious kind and the goal-oriented kind, and how they are interrelated more than we realize. There's the practical side of me that shies away from the concept of dream interpretation or analysis, and then there's the curious part of me that is utterly fascinated. I guess both of these parts of me were sitting under that kitchen table some 35 years ago. Either way, I believe God speaks to us through our dreams, and I've been having some pretty interesting ones since I started to get reaquainted with Him. I plan to do more research, invest more thought, and blog more on the topic in the near future.

Your thoughts? Dreams? Nightmares? I welcome all comments, with the exception of Freddie Kruger's.